


Baby Shower

by esteefee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Babies, Caretaking, Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, No DADT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:26:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteefee/pseuds/esteefee
Summary: Rodney and John are given a difficult assignment.





	Baby Shower

**Author's Note:**

> This is fluff and crack. No babies were harmed in this ridiculous story. John and Rodney, on the other hand, might never recover.
> 
> (Comments seriously critiquing their baby caring technique will be deleted with prejudice.)
> 
> For my "Babies" [Just Write!](https://discord.gg/PcF4aB9) Fluff Bingo square.

Teyla rounded on Rodney as soon as the gate closed behind them. Ronon smirked at him from behind Teyla's back and trotted off, leaving them to their fate.

"Your behavior was inappropriate, Rodney!" Teyla said. She looked ready to draw that little knife she kept in her sleeve.

Rodney pointed at Sheppard. "It wasn't just me!"

"Yes, and I will deal with Colonel Sheppard as well. But you were the one who started mocking the Penirians before we even went through the gate."

"It's...a matter of imperfect gate translation," Rodney said, trying to excuse them.

Teyla's eyes narrowed further. "I'm aware! I've been traveling through the gates longer than you've been dressing yourself. But we were diplomats engaged in council! You had no possible excuse for breaking into laughter every time I addressed the Most High Dickus of the Peni—"

Rodney giggled. John started laughing like a dirty old man. 

Teyla expanded her glare to encompassing him. "That! Stop it! Both of you!" She turned to Elizabeth, who'd come down the stairs to see what the ruckus was about. "Dr. Weir, may I have your permission to assign some detail to these two in response to their inappropriate behavior at the Peni Council?"

Elizabeth looked entirely too amused. She crossed her arms and nodded. "That seems fair. Do you need me to go back with you and smooth things over?"

"I'd appreciate that very much, yes," Teyla said warmly. She turned to Rodney and John, her eyebrow arched. "I think, since you both prove incapable of rising above the level of infants, perhaps you should go live among them for a while."

Rodney swallowed. "What? What do you mean?"

John said, sounding very sober, "We're both really sorry, Teyla. We promise it won't happen again."

"It's far too late for that," Teyla said smugly. "You will have to go to the settlement and help in the nursing tent for...five days, I think."

"Five days!" "Five whole days!" Rodney's indignation matched John's.

Elizabeth chuckled. "That does seem a bit excessive, Teyla, and they do have responsibilities."

"Hmm. Then, the weekend?"

"Two days! I have experiments, I have—"

"Rodney," John said in warning, and Rodney followed his glance to the press of Teyla's lips, the tic developing below her right eye. 

"Two days is...reasonable," Rodney said dully. 

"Seems fair," John said. "Thank you," he added, completely cowed, and Teyla nodded.

"Elizabeth, when you're free, we will return to the Peni."

This time, nobody laughed.

* * *

"I just want you to know, I hold you utterly responsible for this," Rodney said in the jumper. "You have the most infantile sense of humor—"

"Oh, _I_ do, Mr. Giggles?"

"You are the one who started making 'bigus dickus' jokes under his breath the moment we entered the council room."

"Only because you started it all with your lecture on the improper Latinate declensions of penis to penii or whatever—"

"Penes," Rodney added helpfully.

"There you go again." John grinned at him. "You have to admit, though, that Dickus really looked like a real dick." 

Rodney laughed in spite of himself. "Bald and red."

John smirked, but then gave him a doleful look. "This is gonna suck rocks. We'll have to sleep in a tent next to Kanaan's. You know what that means."

"No...boisterous entertainment. Also, Teyla wouldn't even let me bring my computer," Rodney complained as John put down in the landing area outside the Athosian camp town. "Just a tablet."

"You might die." John shut down the jumper and headed toward the back.

"Or you might." Rodney followed him. They both gathered up their gear and locked up the jumper before heading toward the town. "How are we going to find the right tent?"

"Teyla said it should be easy to find—near the healer's tent." 

The healer's tent was the one marked with the big circle within the triangle, a symbol well-known throughout Pegasus. Rodney only wished he didn't know it half as well as he did. The Athosians had raised it in the center of town.

As Rodney trudged in John's wake, the wailing of crying infants made Rodney realize what Teyla had meant about finding the tent.

"Oh, terrific." Rodney should have brought his earplugs.

"Must be lunchtime," John said grimly.

They went inside and were immediately corralled by Teyla's contact, Yarina, who led them to a changing area to dump their bags and put on thin white tunics and draw-string pants. Rodney ogled John's chest and vowed to sneak more V-necks into his wardrobe. 

Yarina gave them badges strung on leather cords with very colorful pink and white clay beads. Rodney was a poor reader of Athosian, but he knew enough to recognize his name drawn on the clay pendant. 

"It says you are beginners," Yarina said, her mouth curved in quiet amusement.

Great. Their badges declared them incompetent newbies. 

"If you need any assistance, the beads are all coded for our elder nurses with eye troubles. Those with red beads are healers, so if the babes are in serious distress, contact a red. The greens are regular nurses, and the pink and white are volunteers such as you two."

"Thanks for the run-down," Rodney said. "Is there a color for indentured serv—?"

"Maybe we can get started," John said loudly, giving Rodney a shove on the shoulder. "I know how excited Rodney was on the way here."

Yarina arched her eyebrow in a perfect bow of mockery. Rodney wondered if she'd trained Teyla with that. 

"Of course," Yarina said. "If you'll follow me? It's lunch hour and the babies are eager for your company."

Rodney groaned silently. John bumped him reassuringly and they went to their doom.

* * *

"I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hold it like that," Sheppard whispered viciously to him.

"He's a boy," Rodney hissed back. "Yarina told you to stop calling them 'it.'"

"Support _his_ head then." John reached out and showed Rodney what he meant. "They all look alike, anyway," he grumbled.

Rodney tapped the ankle bracelet with the glazed beads. "Dots mean boy, solid means girl, dashes means other."

John nodded and went to the next cradle to pick up another baby. "Ugh. This one's leaking."

Rodney shuddered. Neither of them had done a diaper change yet, but it was bound to happen. "Well? We have to finish this row before we get our own lunch. Hop to it."

"How come I have to be first? You're the one who had a baby sister."

"You think I ever changed Jeannie's diapers? Not if they paid me."

John held the baby—a boy, Rodney saw—upright at arm's distance and carried him to the changing table. Rodney grinned as he saw John unfastening the clever clip of the diapers and then gingerly unfolding them. 

"God, this is gross," John muttered. "I should have brought hazmat gloves."

"That's not a bad idea," Rodney said. "Maybe we can hop back to the city tonight."

"Teyla would have our guts for garters. I'm pretty sure no amusements means no puddlejumper." 

Since it was pretty clear the next option was three days in the sparring circle with Teyla's bantos rods, Rodney agreed it wasn't worth the risk.

Face screwed up in a scowl of disgust, John wadded up countless layers of cloth to dampen and clean the baby's bottom. The baby kicked his legs up at John and started pissing.

"Oh, terrific," John said, stemming the tide with his wad before starting all over again.

Rodney grinned in schadenfreude. Soon enough, though, it was his turn. The little girl stank to high heaven. He wasn't sure what unmentionable thing had happened in her diaper, but he was afraid to find out. He took her to the changing table across from where John was, yet again, trying to do up the origami folds of an Athosian diaper. It didn't look promising. 

Rodney started to open the little girl's diaper and halted at the smell. "Hey, don't you keep a pair of winter gloves in your pack?"

John glared at him. "I'm not letting you foul up a two-hundred-dollar pair of Gor-Tex gloves so you can keep your hands clean."

"Some boyfriend you are," Rodney muttered. "See who sucks your dick tonight." 

"Have you forgotten about the tent situation?"

"Then I'll owe you a non-dick-sucking when we get home."

"I look forward to it," John said dryly. "Aha! Did it." He lifted the baby. The diaper sagged more than a little, but it held. Rodney was impressed.

He looked down at the little girl staring up at him with innocent brown eyes, and finished unfolding her stinky diaper. Immediately, he recoiled, almost bumping into John, who'd approached with another baby.

"What the hell, Rodney! You almost made me drop one."

"Something sticky touched my wrist. It was disgusting." Rodney searched around but there were no wipes in sight, and no hand sanitizer. Why, oh, why hadn't he thought ahead? The incessant crying was started to give him a headache, too. Some ear plugs would be super.

"I've already used the sink twice. It's over there," John said.

"Bless you. I hereby revoke the BJ embargo," Rodney said, then went over to the sink to wash the gross spot off his wrist.

* * *

By evening, Rodney was ready to depart the mortal coil. He had smelly goo on his chest and left shoulder, his hair had been nibbled on and his lap drooled all over, and his back ached from constantly lifting and jiggling twenty-pounds of wiggling, wailing turd-works.

"Almost time for the night shift," John said doggedly. They'd gotten into an assembly line deal when it turned out John had a knack for the swipe and wipe, and Rodney could fold origami like nobody's business and had no difficulties getting the little drool machines swaddled back in their blanket burritos. 

Also, Rodney had offered to top for the next month as a hazardous duty bonus.

"Thank da Vinci that men can't get pregnant," Rodney said as he lifted the next baby with a groan and shoved a warmed balloon nipple into its mouth. The Athosians used what seemed like balloons to feed their babies, but Yarina had told them were bladders of some kind. Rodney seriously did not want to know. They were handy, though, and compressed down to almost nothing once the baby was through; Rodney then washed the bladder out, squished it down, and dropped it into the basket of empties.

"As far as you know, men can't," John said darkly. "But from now on, no glove, no love."

"What? Get serious—"

John gave Rodney a grave look over the infant he was changing. "How do we know the Ancients aren't beaming magical fertility rays at the people living on Atlantis?"

"Oh, ha-ha. You're being funny."

"Am I?" John pursed his lips and raised an eyebrow. 

Suddenly, the Rodney's latest infant burbled, and milk belched out of her mouth and over Rodney's hand. 

"Ew." Rodney wiped it off on his hip.

John shook his head. "You squeezed too hard. Treat the balloon like a boob."

"I'm a little out of practice," Rodney said dryly, and John grinned.

"Not sorry about that."

Yarina approached, looking as tired as Rodney felt. "Doctor McKay, Colonel Sheppard, you are released for dinner. Please be sure to make your final notes and return your clothing to the hamper before leaving."

"Will do," John said.

"Thank you very much for your labor," she said, and bowed her head.

"Jeez, no 'job well done'?" Rodney felt a little irked. He let the baby girl finish and made his notations.

John finished up and joined him at the sink. They bumped hips, jostling at the tap, John's fingers sneaking soapily to stroke Rodney's. Once again, Rodney mourned their two days of enforced celibacy.

But at least he got to see John changing out of his smock and drawstring pants. John went commando, of course—Rodney would have to ask him why he enjoyed it so much. Rodney certainly liked watching it.

They dragged themselves over to Kanaan's tent and enjoyed a bowl of his tuttle root stew.

"You two look tired," Kanaan said. "May I report you appreciated your experience today?"

"You can report my foot ummph!—" 

"I apologize for my friend," John said, his hand clamped tightly over Rodney's mouth. Rodney was tempted to lick it, but he knew where John's hands had been all day. 

"No problem at all," Kanaan said. "I've spent some time in the nursing tent when needed after a large culling."

"The Athosians seem to take in a lot of orphaned kids," John said, releasing Rodney and putting his arm around Rodney's shoulder. Rodney settled in with a grunt promising retribution and dug back into his stew.

"And thanks to the Lanteans, we've been learning of more cullings in time to effect rescues before the children are lost."

"Ah. That explains why so many infants."

"Yes. It is a bounty," Kanaan said.

Rodney ducked his head, a little embarrassed about all his kvetching. "Well, good."

John gave him a squeeze and then let him go and went back to his own stew.

They'd barely finished before they both started yawning uncontrollably. Kanaan laughed and showed them to their tent. The moment he left, they dumped their packs on the ground, kicked off their boots, and sprawled on the large platform bed aligned with the back wall of the tent.

"I will never move again," Rodney announced. 

"Whazzat?" John rolled over and inches his way across the pillow to bury his head on Rodney's shoulder. "You'll have to speak up. My ears are still ringing."

Rodney nodded in agreement, rubbing his cheek against John's hair before making a face. "Your hair smells like milk."

"We'll have a scrub down in the falls tomorrow after we're done."

"Deal." Rodney closed his eyes and passed out.

* * *

"Time!" 

"That's four in five minutes, Sheppard. You couldn't beat that with packet of Huggies and an extra arm."

"Oh, yeah? Well, at least my folds are all crisp. Yours look like Picasso on Quaaludes."

"Excuse me." 

They turned. Carta, one of the other volunteers, looked at them like they were a new species of frog. The brightly-colored, poisonous kind.

"I think it's time for your break, yes?"

"You might be right," John said. "We'll go get lunch."

"Back in a bit," Rodney said, and took John's hand as they ran out.

* * *

"Her name is Sole. Isn't that pretty? She's already tracking and she's only a month old. That's really advanced. Also, she's been trying to turn over. Both of those are early signs of math skills. She might turn out to be a pilot."

"Cool. Hi, Sole." 

"Who's your favorite?"

"This little guy. Eeno. He's crazy strong. He got a grip on my hair and did a pull-up. Also, he laughs all the time at hardly anything. And he's got a knock out smile. Look at that." 

Rodney looked and then poked Eeno's belly. Eeno giggled. He had a crooked smile, one side dipping down. Rodney looked at John, who grinned down foolishly at the chubby little blue-eyed piss fountain.

"Cute," Rodney said, utterly bemused.

* * *

"I hope you two have learned your lesson," Teyla said.

"Oh, we have." Rodney's dick was still buzzing from the pounding he gave John under the moonlit waterfall. It was just possible Rodney might drop directly into a coma if Teyla didn't let him go to bed soon. He looked over at John, who sported a dopey grin on his face. Possibly because Rodney had bent him over a smooth rock, spread him open, and tongued—

"Are you even listening to me, Rodney?"

"Yes, yes. 'Respect for cultures other than my own; showing the maturity of my years.'"

"That's right." Teyla regarded him sternly.

"We had a good time," John said. "The babies are doing great, and Kanaan was a good sport cooking dinner for us. Thanks, Teyla."

"Well..." Teyla sounded mollified. "You should come visit us more often. I can cook next time."

"Super," John said, and Rodney just nodded jerkily.

And then she released them, and they staggered back to their place.

"I will never, ever cross Teyla again," Rodney said. "I promise, oh great Tesla."

"I'm going to bite my own tongue next time."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far." Rodney swiped their door open and dumped his pack with a groan.

"Seriously. I'll just bite it hard so I won't laugh." John dropped his pack and started undressing, first his boots then his pants. "Used to do that in Basic. Sure, I got a sore tongue, but it saved me some push-ups."

"Please don't injure your tongue. I need it. It's very special to me and my cock."

"What, this old thing?" John wiggled it in Rodney's direction before shucking his shirt. He was still wearing his necklace with the pink and white beads, similar enough to puka shells that Rodney had a flashback to his boyfriend in high school.

John would probably swap the necklace for his dog tags in the morning, but tonight, as they climbed into bed with twin groans and Rodney settled on his side, his head resting on John's shoulder, he let his fingers play with the beads and the little pendant that declared John was now a trained volunteer.

"Condoms. Every damned time," John murmured against Rodney's hair. 

Rodney sighed. "I'll double-check the database in the morning."

..............................  
July 7, 2019  
San Francisco, CA


End file.
